Wandering in the Desert

Time to blog again. I haven't bored all 3 of you in a while and it's not because I haven't had thoughts, or things going on in life. It's just I have felt pretty removed from God lately and have been trying to pray and read my way through it all.

Losing those 3 kiddos crushed me more than I ever thought it would have. Which stinks because we are now in the process of trying to bring 2 little ones home. I am excited...but I am cautious. I don't feel like that is truely walking by faith, but I don't know how to just be overjoyed and excited about our new children, until I see them in the flesh in our arms. The 2 little guys are Blessing who is 2 or 3 years old and Messiah who is 5 months old. How exciting it'll be to have three boys in the house and one of them a baby. (I Love Babies...). As excited as it all can and will be...I just pray that these 2 are God's will for us.

It's such a weird time for us. I have been doubting the role God has in my life these last few weeks. Such great things are happening, while such hard things are happening too. It's so confusing. I feel like we are trying to be prepared for whatever new children God has for us by finding a home that is a little bigger or with more room in the yard and that doesn't have the safety issue of a pool that can't be fenced in. In doing so, we have had 2 houses lined up, but both have fallen through. We can't seem to sell our house which means we need to put offers in on houses with a contigence that our house will sell. The last house we lost (it has an acre of land, perfect for 6 or 7 kids to go and play in), had another offer come in with no contigencies, so naturally he accepted that offer and we had to back out. It felt like God had hand picked that property for us to raise His children, but of course I was wrong.

But then at work, I have been given a new job which has the potential to get me into a management position. My new job has me interacting with more people, being the sole person responsible for a piece of software the company uses, and I am on track to move out of a developers role (which I have never been a big fan of) and into a position of leading people. These are answered prayers, that really came out of nowhere. So this is amazingly good stuff.

So see, I'm so confused as to what the heck God's plans are. "Adopt these 3 children", "Here is a house to raise them in"...oh wait, never mind, these aren't your kids, a bigger home to raise them isn't needed (even though I led you there), here is another house, no wait never mind, here is a new job, here are 2 little guys. How is in the world does this all add up? I'm totally confused.

I keep praying for God's will...I think I "get" what it is we are supposed to do, then it's not what we are supposed to do at all. I know God's will rarely is on par with our will, I just want to do whats right by and for Him. Everytime I feel like we are, something else happens. Am I taking too much control over my life? Have I put my hand on the plow but looked back? (Luke 9:62).

All this being said, I am excited about what could be. I'm excited to see how this whole time in our lives is going to play out and what it is I am supposed to be learning. I know there is something here and really instead of coming on here and whining like the baby I am, I should be reading and praying and listening. How hard it is to focus on those things when you feel like you have been yet life doesn't seem to going the way you thought God wanted for you.

Till Next Time.